He would also get up at 6am for the Saturday morning flight with the President of India , accompanying him as the Dpty Press Secy. I used to hate the weekend trips, because they happened almost 4 times a month, and eat up our weekends - the only time I used to get to solve the Asian Age crossword with him.  And most of the times these were to really stupid places, except of course the times he went to Tirupati. At least the Ladoos were good. The two week long foreign trips were much better - a VCR or a Keyboard or a Nintendo - or the numerous gifts he used to get for us. At least those compensated for the empty cells in the crossword.

Those three days of the year - 26th January, 15the August and 2nd October - he used to leave home at 6am - to accompany the President or the Vice president or the Prime Minister to Raj Ghat, India Gate or Lal Qila ….. and we watched the television screens. Till date I watch the complete parade and listen to the complete speech of the Prime Minister. Even though speeches have lost the charm (and content, and intent), it is ingrained in my structure to do so.

And the train journeys ! While we found the overnight journey as an opportunity to sleep till 10am, he still got up at 6 , and bought the newspaper at the first station they were selling it. Then the tea, then the nashta - his love for train journeys always won against my desire to sleep late. And invariably ,  I too was up looking at the fields at 7am. And of course, having the poori aaloo he had bought by almost missing the train. I always thought he had missed the train , but he always appeared as soon as the train left the station.

On 11th February too he played the 6am card. He left me at that time, doctors say that he had a respiratory failure followed by a cardiac arrest. I was there, in the ICU , when they were trying to revive him - but I knew has was very particular about 6am. And he kept his habit.

This blog would never have a comment from him (his last one still shows up beneath this post). My poetry would never be edited, and hence it never would be that good. But he still lives on in my ethics, my enthusiasm, my optimism and my patience - because they are all his, and just passed on to me for safe keeping.

CHECKREIN, VOCALIST, CELLULAR, DOGMATIC REPUBLIC and to obscure to all its citizens :

INJUSTICE, social , economic and political;

POVERTY, of thought, progression, relief, faith and war ship;

INCONSEQUENTIALITY, of education and ethics;

and to promote among them all

ABSURDITY assuring indignity of the individual and impunity of the politician

IN OUR INCONSEQUENT ASSEMBLY this twenty-fifth day of January, 2012, do

HEREBY ADOPT, ENACT AND GIVE OURSELVES THIS CONVOLUTION

Raju , a property dealer in Manesar area, said on the condition of being identified and making him famous, that the person who shot the toll booth attendant has shown a new way for all the budget conscious men of NCR.

” Shooting  a toll booth attendant has proved to be a cheaper alternative. If this is applied to long distance drives, it could save upto Rs 100/- per road trip to Jaipur”, he added.

When we asked him that it might involve killing a few toll booth attendants , he responded that it was just collateral damage.  “It serves as a warning to all men who try to make living by honest means.  Why would you do so much effort for a 5000/- salary when by just arranging a dubious land deal could get you 100 times the amount ? Also, what is better - play with coins all day or play with lives and laws ? And moreover you can get a quick and endless replacement for anybody working for that salary - so that is a non issue. However, the tougher part is cleaning up the blood stains in the toll booth, which might cost a couple of hundred rupees.  That perhaps, is the only fallout I see.”

We also tried talking to an alive toll booth attendant , but he was busy in the rush hour , half hanging out side his window, with loose change in his hands. His arms and hands worked with nanosecond speeds , helping out the car drivers stuck in long queues. We could not talk to him, so we talked to the dead attendant.

“I was fired from my job at one of the Indian banks, as I had messed up a few photocopies. I could not stand it any more , as all I used to get there was four thousand rupees, and an endless stream of punjabi abuses. My job was to photocopy all documents , fourteen copies each and pass them to the office boy who used to deliver them at all desks. One day I took photocopies at a darker hue - and was fired immediately for wasting precious ink. They found my  replacement in a day.

After that I entered retail business where I used to stand at the cash register. In spite of being the fastest one in checking out the items, I was  often abused by customers, again in choicest punjabi when their credit card did not work due to bad phone lines or the cheap Chinese scanning and billing equipment failed.  I was fired from there as I used too many polyethene packets by sorting out toiletries and food items in separate packets. In a single day that used to bring down the earning of the store by Rs 8/-. They found my replacement in 8 hours.

Then I thought a toll booth attendant would be a better job, as no one would have the time to talk to me there let alone abuse me, and I would be able to do my job with full sincerity and not be fired. But I did not know I could still be fired at. ”

It took 4 hours to find a replacement for the toll booth attendant. The Toll Plaza company has also asked the government to increase the cost of ammunition so that they don’t have to spend time in recruiting people for the replacement reqs.

As for the dead toll booth attendant’s family, they are being foolish and repeatedly saying that they find him irreplaceable.

Zardari had called to say that India is doing its best to create a general feel-good factor in Pakistan. ” Ever since the Pakistani team was in a mess, Pakistanis’ dwindling interest in cricket started to increase their interest in Politics.  Over the past few years , the number of Pakistani blogs had increased drastically and all of them kept criticizing the government and even worse, the Army.  And over that, the  Indian victory at the world cup - at the expense of Pakistan in the semi final had made the bloggers extremely pessimistic.  After that minor events like Osama’s death and a few bomb blasts were used by these bloggers as a fodder of their web presence.

But with India churning out momentous and joyous stuff like 2G scam, CWG scam, your inflation numbers and the recent spectacular performances in England by Dhoni’s men have all given Pakistan something to cheer about. The lack of fighting spirit in your cricket team have united Pakistanis - be it a Muslim or an Ahmadi or a Blogger.  This has brought down the number of plans the terrorists make to attack Karachi. People are slow forgetting about the anti-blasphemy law as their focus as shifted to Sreesanth’s antics on field.  We all love to hate him.

But please do not go on like this.  We are not used to so much happiness , peace and unity.  I myself am feeling very uneasy and would need to go to London to do some shopping to ease the pressure off. And this time I have to be prudent, as the US money is not coming very smoothly. Coming back to other stuff in Pakistan, such peace gives the Army time to think and plot the removal of the elected representative - which happens to be me.  It also gives time to Supreme Court judges to think of something to destabilize the government - which happens to be mine. It also gives terrorist time to plot so that they can leave innocent Ahmadis alone and kill a more visible and known target- one of them happens to be me. So please stop this and get a control over your country. ”

MMS  heard out Zardari patiently and silently (he does that best you see - hearing things patiently and silently ) and in his characteristic style , he responded in bullets -

• 2G scam happened because of the policies of the NDA government, and I can not do anything about that.
• The CWG scam, as Maken mentioned, is due to NDA government. They should not have chosen Kalmadi, a congressman for such a task, and I can not do anything about that
• The inflation is only because the NDA government kept things cheap, including their press releases. I am not cheap, and I can not do anything about it
• The World cup victory was due to our government, but the current defeat in England is due to the policies of NDA government, and you might already have guessed,  I can not do anything about that

However it is learned that MMS had offerred to send Kapil Sibal to Pakistan for  5 hours to bring down the happiness quotient of the country.

In response Zardari said, “Who do you think I am , Gaddafi ? I just want to reduce their happiness, not torture them to death. Thanks , but no thanks.”

NI met him and had a one way discussion with him on the topic (one way because like most political observers, the only way to make Mr Bose pause for a while was to give me him beer to drink , and NI has no budget to buy tap water, let alone beer)

“I know the solution of the Singur issue. Bhain war phails,  bhain discussion phails , bhain argument phails - the only solution left is lubh. ” (The rest of his discourse would be written in English , and not in Bengali accent, as it could cause serious readability issues)

“It has been a while these two , Ratan Tata and Mamta Banrejee have been arguing.  She fought in Singur, he quipped on her at the Nano launch by almost naming the car “Mamta”. It made good news then and it was okay when communists were in power. All that helped Mamta to get rid of them , and come to power.  But now she is chief minister,  and he is no cheap industrialist - they should not fight and argue like this.  I know the perfect solution to stop them  - you see Ratan Tata is unmarried and so is Mamata Banerjee. It is  a perfect match. We will get them to marry. ”
..
After giving an emphatic pause, Mr Bose continued before our reporter could open his mouth.

“It would the perfect match. The boy is rich and the girl is well ‘trained’ after taking care of the Railways for so many years. This match would be a boon for the people of India as the Parsis and Bengalis , all  would rejoice. ”

Our reporter mistakenly pointed out that Mr Bose was getting to be a little too racist, to which he said, “Aren’t all Indians racist when it comes to marriage ?   The older ones dig the news paper for their caste and religion , and  younger ones just search for it on websites. This is going to be a great socio-economo-politico event since Akbar married Jodha.

With romance in the air, the two could could even sing songs like - ‘Nano mein sapna,  sapnon mein sajnee’ or ‘jab se teri nano , meri nano se lagee re’  or even ‘zara nano se keh do jee, nishana chook na jaaye’.
This would also solve the succession issue in Tata Group - in a few years that is.   Ratan would be gem of a father and Mamta would be the epitome of motherly love.”

NI : But would they be compatible partners ?

RB: “Of course , of course. They already fight with each other like partners . What happens when a man his wife argue over a TV channel ? Husband would want to switch to news as that would bring knowledge, awareness and general progressive mindset into the house. Whereas, the Wife would want to switch to TV serials  so that the household’s basic culture and environment is not disturbed by the noisy news and views .  And they will argue over the acquisition of the remote.  If the argument becomes too much, the Husband will leave the house and go to his friend’s place and watch TV there.

Speaking of TV , this wedding would be the biggest thing on TV too- covered by Business channels due to Tata’s presence, covered by political news channels thanks to Mamta’s presence, covered by Entertainment channels due to the fact that is a  marriage.  The event would be  called “Ratan Ka Rishta “.  All time from Mehndi to Ladies Sangeet to the actual wedding,  news reporters  will let Aishwarya Rai breed in peace, and all Babas could get even more work by suggesting janam patri matches and methods for them to lead a happy wedded life together.

NI:  I think this would be the first marriage that would solve problems and not create new ones.
————————–

This post is dedicated to Mrs and Mr R C Srivastava, who complete 50 years of their married life today -   A very Happy Anniversary to them.

Coming back to our story , Mahesh Bhatt confirmed to our reporter that he indeed is planning to create an autobiographical silent movie inspired from the true story of his life and times. When our reporter mentioned that autobiography word means the exactly that , he said -

“This is Indian audience, we have to explain everything to them. You want to me sound obtrusive and vague ? And lose my grip on my audience ? The story revolves on my life story - the hero would be a silent young man who speaks less and absorbs more. And I am not talking about the way a tissue absorbs sweat, but more like the Indian Film Industry absorbs melancholic Pakistani Male Singers with the last name Aslam.  So this young man, who speaks very little, just like me is tormented by the society till he can take no more. His mother is a Muslim , father is a Hindu, his teacher is a Christian, his beloved is Parsi, his best friend is a Sikh , his best friend’s mother is Jaini, his neighbor is a Buddhist, and he himself believes that he is the God. Just like the story of my life. And after that the society ….”

We would skip the next five hours of this interview as web space is precious commodity and we are a very poor organization

…and in the end this guys goes back into the darkness of anonymity and shifts to Dharavi to live a peaceful and content life”

NI: Sir, we have also heard that you have signed up Dr Man Mohan Singh for the movie ?

MB: “Yes I have , and he has readily agreed. ”

NI: ” But would he be able to act ?”

MB: “Actually he suits movie making completely. He is a director’s man - whatever you tell him, he would quickly do it. If tell him to look stern , he will tighten his cheek muscles and abuse a few BJP wallahs. If you ask him to act meek,  he would just smile dryly and blame coalition politics. And of course he himself does nothing wrong.

And not just movie making, he fits the genre of Silent movies very well.

Even if people are having a cake fight around him, he would not say anything and smile behind his beard. You have seen that too, right ? Just yesterday only we saw the UPA government making a fool out of them,  common people being picked up a 1 am in the night - under his nose in New Delhi - and yet he did not say anything.  What a perfect man to act in a silent movie. ”

NI: ” So he would be playing the lead role ?”

MB :” No no that would be played by Rahul. Not your simile metaphor Rahul Gandhi - but my Rahul Bhatt. MMS would play the role of his friend. We needed someone who would  be content with having no lip movement at all in the entire movie. At one or two places in the movie , he just need to hold a placard saying - “I did not know that !” and at another place he would have to say - “Narendra Modi is a scum”. Apart from the role demands him to look helpless and meek. And most importantly he can play the role of a friend very well - he is a very loyal fellow, and obeys orders just like the man’s best friend.”

“I am at a loss of words, I am speech less.  And I am pretty sure,  someone has stolen it. Mark my words, I will not spare him or her.  They have taken away my freedom of speech, and it will be understatement that once I find the person, he or she will get a death sentence.  Stealing someone’s book is like …. is like …. is like …. damn…I can no longer tell what it is like”

NI could not make out whether he was too disturbed, or just not making any sense as he usually does (rather doesn’t). But we understood his loss. In recent , and not so recent past the only way Rahul could make it to the headlines was due to his comparison making statements. Being it Comparing Simi and RSS or Comparing Narendra Modi to Mao , or his historical comments about Bengal and Orissa and Austerity and other inanimate objects like Manmohan Singh. (There were even reports of him comparing Daal Chawal and Baingan Bharta, but those later turned out to be someone’s tasteless humor.)

The case has been immediately taken up by the Congress Working Committee and they have spread in all directions and have started feeding media thirty five different conspiracy theories. Apart from the usual suspects like BJP and Left there are reports of Kanimozhi and Mayawati conniving to steal Rahul’s mojo.

Kapil Sibal went ahead and blamed Siddhu for this.”We all know that he is fast running out of similes and metaphors because of being overworked with cricket. And he belongs to the BJP who have run out of ideas.  All of us and … “,  he said removing his pair of glasses,  ” .. and  especially I can do the math and find out the culprit.”

On hearing this Navjot Singh sent him and Rahul 562 volumes of “Unused Sidduisms about Pure Random Things, Animals, People and modes of Transport”. Sibal is has  kept those books under his chair saying that he sits all day on bullshit anyway. Rahul Gandhi had reportedly sent the books to be burnt down and added to the ashes in the Bhatta Parsaul village. Later he rolled back that decision because Bhatta Parsaul folks said they would rather sell their land at 2 rupees a beegha than breathing in such polluted air.

Siddhu has termed the entire episode as the same thing that happens to a porcupine employed  in a cotton wool factory as a quality inspector.  In an unrelated news Maywati has bought 2500 sets of the 562 volumes to be distributed in all villages between Greater Noida and Agra.

Sachin Pilot , on the other hand, politely blamed the Mayawati government for the entire fiasco. Sounding his usual logical self, he said that Mayawati government wanted to steal the  book to understand an prepare for Rahul Gandhi’s next move, and also his own next move. When NI asked him how his next move could be ascertained by Mayawati Government by looking at Rahul’s books, he replied with an elementary-my-dear-watson look ,”I just repeat what he does.”

Digvijay Singh was the most disturbed Congressman of all. He has asked for a CBI inquiry to get to the culprit. He has also appealed to Gen V K Singh to keep the Army ready to hole the culprit out, once CBI finds him that is, and kill him or her - wherever that person is.

He has also shot a letter to Barrack Obama to invite him over to understand how such military operations succeed. Barrack Obama had sent him a single word reply - “Quietly.” Of course, Digvijay Singh did not find that word in Congress Abridged Dictionary.  “It must be an American slang word. If it was a real word it should have been somewhere between quibbling and quipping. ”

As we were just leaving, he stopped us and told us that “BJP took terrorists to Kandahar, Advani loves Jinnah .. and know you know why they are no good.” When we asked how does all this relate to Rahul’s BOMS being stolen , he said , “They might or might not relate - but I will repeat this truth till the day I die”. We left him with his experiments with truth.

We also called up Mayawati , who took twenty rupees to attend our call. It did disturb our annual budget majorly - but we are a publication who would rahter put foot instead of food in our mouths. Mayawati said , “woh ladka to waise hee bahut bom marta that , aaj kisi ne uski boms mar lee.  Rahul did a monumental mistake by speaking against me.  My style of politics is an idol style of politics, and messing with me is an elephantine error.”

In an another report, Nitin Gadkari’s spectacles were stolen. Most BJPites are extremely happy  - you see a Nitin Gadkari without his spectacles is like Rahul Gandhi without his book of metaphors and similes. Both can no longer  make a spectacle of themselves.

*****************************

PS: After reading the last line , if you think  the BOMS is with us - you might not be too far from truth.

NI:”Dr saab, we were all thinking that it is a case of being heartbroken and Pakistanis in general are heartless, but you are saying that they have large hearts ? ”

NT: “Yes. Just like beriberi , in this variant too, you get to have a veryvery large heart. The cause of this disease is deficiency of vitamin  see . Do not confuse it with Vitamin C. They have had enough of Vitamin C after losing so many wars, cricket,hockey and Kabaddi matches to India.”

NI: “How does losing a  war or a game help in getting Vitamin C ?”

NT: “Arrey unke daant khattein ho gaye na ? ”

NI:” Oh I see , and what about vitamin see ?”

NT: “Vitamin see deficiency happens due to short sightedness and weak vision. It can also happen due to vision being blocked by excessive gun powder smoke, dust gathered in the atmosphere due to too many protest processions and excessive kicking around by American soldiers’ boots.

Due to these deficiencies,  gums get enlarged - both in English and Hindi.  If this condition continue for years, the final effect is heart enlargement. This is what is happening to Pakistanis.  The lack of vision is more prominent in Pakistani’s leaders and cricketers than the common Pakistani folks. However the deficiency is greatest in Pakistani bloggers (like this one and this one)  - and the condition is even more serious there. The assert they have a vision , but all they have is a we-shun.  That negativity is even harder to treat.

The common symptoms of VeryVery, just like BeriBeri are -

• difficulty in walking without aid
• loss of sensation to local pains in the ass
• excessive temptation to be a pain in neck to others
• mental confusion
• speech difficulties
• strange eye movements

Pakistanis have been showing these symptoms for years now, and there are no heart experts in Pakistanis to realize this.  In a way,  Shahid Afridi has brought this to world medical community’s focus , and is a savior of sorts to the entire Pakistan , and not just to their cricket team.”

NI: “And how can they be treated ? ”

NT: ” Badly.”

(a couple of seconds’ silence from both ends ….)

NI: “Oh no, I don’t mean the Pakistanis , I meant the VeryVery ?”

NT: “But you said ‘they’ - your grammar is extremely poor. I always knew that after reading up your website, but now I know it in first person.  I am also pretty disheartened with your spelling skills  and … ”

NI: ” Dr saab, instead of making my heart heavy, can we keep the focus on Pakistani hearts please ? How is VeryVery treated ?”

NT: ” Ok. If you insist. The only solution to Veryvery  is an open heart surgery. We , and the entire world, need to open our hearts out and tell them what we really think of them.  We would have to be cold hearted and tell them the truth - this way they will be downhearted, and the heart size will automatically reduce.  It might me tough for the fainthearted Pakistanis- but not many of them have survived the bombings and pro-blasphemy-law killings, anyway.”

NI: “Thank you so much Dr Trehan, you have been a sweetheart and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the heart to heart talk you had with us  today .”

We also talked to Shahid Afridi about Dr Trehan’s diagnosis.  He summarily rejected it -  “I  see no rhyme or reason in the diagnosis, and I sees no point talking about it. I have seen through your ploy and would see to it that NoisyIndia never calls any Pakistani”. A sure shot case of Vitamin See deficiency.

NoisyIndia staff, who never did a single Pranayam in their life, were visibly upset over this, and hence our Chief formulated a fact finding mission and sent it to Arunachal Pradesh and Delhi to … well…. find out the facts. We talked to all people from both sides. We first talked to Baba Ramdev about this -

“I have lived a lauki, sorry, low key life all this time. My only target is to promote Yoga and Ayurvedic medicines to everybody and bring down economies by asking people to stay away from cold drinks and pizzas. I had gone to Arunachal because someone told me that very soon we might require a stapled visa to visit it. Since not a single stapler pin is made in India, I could not have tolerated that my Indian passport should carry a Videshi made stapler pin. So I decided to visit the place while there was time.

Since I was doubtful about my next visit there, I decided to teach a lesson to the politicians there. Arrrrey, a Yoga lesson - what else did you think ? So the time was short, and I wanted to teach all the asanas - including the tough ones which require your right leg to be held by our left hand the the left leg to be tucked behind the right ear.  Unfortunately Ninong could not do that asana, and fell flat on his face. He tried to cover his face with hands so as to avoid injury. To that I jokingly remarked  that he seems to be saving his face like Manmohan Singh at the Press Conference. But just like MMS, his hands were tied , and he fell. Everybody present there found it funny, and laughed.

Like all other congressmen, he took the MMS joke personally and started shouting - using the words blood, Indian and dog. Well I like Indian, in any form so I thought he was promoting Indian stuff. Later my bhaktajan told me that he was abusing me. When I realized that I sent him a bottle of lauki juice to cool him down. ”

We also met Ering , who said -” I never called him a dog. When he starting telling us about the weird asana, I just told my colleague that he thinks we are dogs. He can exercise like a dog , we can not. This was overheard by the Bharat Swabh…Swabh…Swabhimaan guys, they starting yelling at me. Now I can not say Bharat Swabi….. Swabhiimaan in one go, so I just muttered - ‘The bloody Indian Self Respect guys’. This was misconstrued and they thought I called him a bloody Indian Dog.  I have clear instructions from High Command that we can only abuse during election campaigns and not other wise.  At all other times we have to tell  people half a story and say that I can not tell you anything further. Just like the Prime Minister did in his press conference. How can I stray away from the party ideology - after all I have fought against the party for so many years as an independent and have just become a member a few years back. How can I risk my regular income ? My last name might be Ering, but I can never be found erring”

After that we met Prakash Javadekar , the BJP spokesperson. We asked him about the press conference he did to condemn the incident. “We strongly condemn this. And we had called all journalists to tell them that we condemn this. You see we do not waste any time in calling journos over for condemning this and condemning that - because journos love free tea and biscuits. When the biscuits are  missing are news gets published only in the Pioneer.  And this one was major - Baba Ramdev is an iconic figure and should not be called names. ”

The congress spokesperson Abhishek Singhvi said -” it is very wrong to say so. There are putting words in his mouth. I think he is man of impeccable integrity and he has shown that confidently. His critics have been silenced and even you would agree about limitations of  running a coalition givernment. As long as the scam amount is lesser than the cost of re-election, it is okay to let the coalition partner do scams. And Prime Mnister said the same thing.” We reminded him that we were talking about Ering and not PM, he said -”Damn.. for the past few days all I am doing is to defend Manmohan Singh. I thought you were asking the same thing. Who is Ering, by the way ?”. Needless to say, we left it at that.

NoisyIndia team , while returning to their den, saw a dog run over by a car. It was still alive, and we rushed it to the hospital. On the way, we told him about the  whole Ering-Ramdev incident and it said - “Ering should be sorry for this. Politicians should stick to slinging mud at politicians.” When we pointed out that even Baba Ramdev was also a sort of politician now , he said -”Are you serious ? His party talks against corruption, all the others indulge in it. His party believes in making people healthy- all  the others believe in making people wealthy. His party talks about Bahrat Swabhmaan, and the rest have made Bharat Beimaan.

It is us who come on streets every day to earn a roti by the evening.

It is us who are scared to cross the roads, because a person who thinks India is Shining, is driving his car at 100kmph.

It is us who stay loyal to their masters, in spite of them mistreating us and giving us only enough to eat once a day.

It is us who are run over by rich people every day - and not all of us survive.  WE are the Bloody Indian Dogs.”