If you call me , you would hear a rumbling old 1985 type of answering machine - which makes the following sounds (in no particular order)
- rewind/forward of tape at 2x speed of human voice
- press down of recording lever caused by a digital pulse from the telephone
- press down of the “play” lever caused by the press down of the recording lever
- tape screeching over the tape heads
- tape heads screeching with the dirt and the tape moving on it.
So if you call me, and hear the above sounds, don’t be fooled by thinking that it is my 1985 era answering machine. No , it is not even a 2005 answering machine gone bad. It is … me.
After years of raising my voice against injustice done on coffee beans, shoe laces, mud flaps and Indian electorate, I have suddenly lost it. ”it” not as in my head, “it” as in my voice.
I have lost my voice. Instead of my smooth sexy 6.2decibel barritone wrapped in a 4.5 decibel undertone produced by a 15.75MHz vibration in my vocal chords - the only sound I can now produce is of a 1985 type answering machine.
I was doing fine till Friday night- I had small khich khich in my throat , and was surviving on generous doses of Honey and Ginger. But then, on Saturday , I went to the doctor. And then she gave me medicines. It was 10pm , when I remembered I had to gargle with one of them medicines. I left the important work I was doing (kept my PS2 remote aside) and walked up to the medicine closet.
I took out this small dark brown bottle, which said - “Betadine”.
Then I read the usage/dosage instructions - it said “Dilute in an equal Quantitiy of water”. I did that.
Then it said “Gargle”. I did that.
Then it did not say anything. Neither could I, ever since then.
The effect of this has been enormous - the least pleasant being that India TV has heard about this. Now instead of showing wives beating cheating husbands or black magic babas suggesting remedies for common cold, India TV is doing a five day special episode on my voice, rather the loss of it. Over the next few posts, I would be publishing their script. I want my friends (and fans … ooh I love that word) to read the script before it is aired on India TV. For two reasons,
- The would air it only after I get my voice back, this is because they want to play my original voice too, to show how it is has been suppressed now. This , they say, would generate more empathy and sympathy for me.
- They might not air it at all if the they get some footage of the ghost of DTC bus stop at Shahdara or if they get any further the case of the missing toilet paper from a Noida call center. I recognize that both these stories are far more important than my voice.
So stay tuned for more on NoisyIndia (sic !) .
Also if you have my phone number, you can call me to hear my current voice, so that you can make fun of me later in future. This would not stay like this for too long, so do grab the opportunity.