As you might already know, there is a new batch of iPhone coming soon – Made in India.

Now since they are completely made in India and made by India, there are certain features of the phone that are also made for India. NoisyIndia secret spy service CIA (completely indigenous assumptions) is privy to some of these features.

The biggest feature that has been developed specially for India is the Advanced Whensoever Exoteric Show Off ModE or AWESOME for short. This mode has been designed  for the specific purpose of showing off your new iPhone to the prehistorically aligned Android using lower mortals (and also, if , in case, you know any Windows phone users)

This mode works in two way – manual and automatic.

For the manual mode, there is a   small aesthetically designed saffron button just below the volume buttons which you can press to activate AWESOME.  It will put your iPhone into the Show Off Mode.

NoisyIndia was  apprehensive about the saffronisation of the iPhone. But then, since the button was all about showing off , we took a calliper and measured the exact dimensions – it turned out to be exactly 5.6mm.

Though the AWESOME mode is turned on by this button, at most times you would never need to press the beautiful saffron button (what would Android users know about beautiful buttons !)  – the Show Off Mode comes up automatically as soon as you enter a Cafe Coffee Day or Barista

The phone automatically detects your entry into CCD and activates the Show off mode. This makes the phone vigorously shake, if it is still in your pocket -reminding you to take it out.  If you do not take out in 7 seconds, the phone additionally starts heating up . The heat inside in your pocket is both dangerous and embarrassing – forcing you to take the phone out eventually.   We were apprehensive about the safety of this mechanism, but Apple assured us that there was no safety issue. Tim, they said, was extremely confident that  all  iPhone users would take out the phone within nanoseconds of entering a Cafe Coffee Day – even before the first vibration hits the phone.

Once the phone is out of the pocket, and on the table – the AWESOME mechanism would detect whether is it kept face up or face down. When we questioned the need of this, Jonathon Ive laughed at our question – and showed us the following image.

“What do you want to show the world ? The Apple logo or the patented Boxed Oval Round Interfaced and Numbly Grizzled Display  ? How will the world know that you have invested your life’s earning in an Apple logo that comes attached to the phone ? ” , Jonathon asked us, “and what if you really did sell your kidney to buy one ?”

We  of course agreed with him. It is much easier to flaunt money that has been spent, than money that could be saved.  Any body who is ordering coffee at Coffee Day, obviously believes in core capitalist paradigm of buying useless things “to support the economy in general”. Why else would anyone have a double shot of Espresso and pay 180 rupees for it  ?

 

Coming back to AWESOME, as soon as AWESOME detects that the iPhone has been kept  screen-up on the table, the phone will start ringing. As soon as you pick up the call, a voice on the other side will remind you to keep the phone upside down. This will serve two purposes, the people around will feel that you are important enough to get calls on a phone, and they will also get to see  the Apple Logo that you have spent loads of money to buy.

There is more to AWESOME than just Apple logo. When this mode is on, the screen automatically switches to the brightest and the battery level indicator
does not change for the next 30 minutes, so that user can easily brag about the “great software that saves battery” .  This is an extension of the feature where it takes only 1minute for iPhone battery to come from 13% to 1% , but it stays at 1% for the next 1 hour.

However, this would no longer be true if any if any of the apps on the left are opened in AWESOME mode.

This way you always know what to blame for the suddenly draining battery.

We were beginning to fall in love with AWESOME, when we were told about the Social Shield ! There is a special breathalyzer built into the phone. It will detect when you are drunk and then block all your twitter and Facebook status update boxes. It won’t let you post if you are drunk ! We have heard that Kapil Sharma has already placed an order for this iPhone. He has also promised  that Kiku will plagiarise jokes from NoisyIndia too in future so that we too can get some much needed publicity. “But for that you have to have cross dressing men on your website” – he added this condition. We are still looking hard for any sarees that suite us.

Coming back to the Made in India iPhone – there is a special Siri edition too. It is fully loaded with all Assembly Language phrases from Virat Kohli’s vocabulary and also the most used Indian phrase, in all 22 languages and 720 dialects. Here is a sample of this most used phrase –

So finally Made in India Siri Kohli is available with the Made in India iPhone. Congratulations to all iPhone fans in India

STOP PRESS : Arvind Kejriwal has indicated his unhappiness over the made in India iPhone. He has tweeted this