To,

Fellow Pakistani,

The other side of the border,

Some Pakistani town.

Dear Brother,

You don’t know me but you have a fair idea who I am. I am the one whom you blame for everything bad happening in your country - be it floods , terrorist attacks and even your cricket team fixing matches.  Today I have something to speak to you about.

I have remained quiet for a long time in spite of you bombing our cities. You are instigating the illiterate  Kashmiris to come to your fold. You are helping the Maoists to fight against us, but we can handle them alright.  I did not say a word while you caught our innocent fishermen and put them in your stinking jails.  I even ignored the fact that you keep buying missiles from China and keep testing their long ranges. My country is moving slowly because of all the troubles you cause - we are fighting poverty and crime in  our cities. We are trying to provide roads to our villages but your acts of cowardice are taking the focus away from the development activities.

But enough is enough. We are a strong and peace loving nation - and we also act like one.

We know that you send terrorists dressed up as fishermen. But our coast guard and navy are extremely efficient and catch all of them. Our defense research is doing extremely well and we have developed (and are developing)  missiles which can black out your entire country. You should not forget the way we helped the poor Bengalis to form a force against your tyrant country and gain independence. The Bangladeshis are so thankful to us that every year, millions of them come to India to say thanks and clean our houses and do our laundry.  We also know that you are still forcibly controlling Balochistan - where you have not cared to provide basic amenities like jobs and education.  Because of your ways, your country is not progressing - you are so poor that your cities are full of slums and you villages have dirt laden roads where even your bullock carts get stuck in the monsoons.

When a Pakistani comes to India we shower him/her with love. We take him to the places which make him remember and forget his home at the same time. We treat him well, in spite of fifty percent of Pakistanis in India being on a mission to spread terror. We treat you like brothers when you are here. But what  do you do when an Indian goes to Pakistan ? You eye him with suspicion. On the pretentious pretext of showing your culture and culinary skills, you shadow him all over your country to keep an eye on him. This is not how a good neighbor behaves - you should learn more from us.

And finally coming to your media and websites. They have created a whole money making industry by blaming us and shouting us for all things that happen in Pakistan. They can go on and on, but we will not speak to you until you stop cross border terrorism, so consider this as my first and last letter to you.

Thanking You,

Your Brother

Noisy Indian.

MMS delivered his historic speech from the Red Fort today.

The Prime Minister ensured that even if he loses his job to youngsters called Rahul or Priyanka, he would be ideally suited for the post of the All India Radio News Reader. The speech should ideally have started like this -

“This is Red Fort and you are listening to the news read by Man … Mohan… Singh…”

However, he did not chose a good news script writer - or an ignorant one (perhaps it was written by Kapil Sibal), because the first thing he started with was the weather report -

“A few days back, many precious lives were lost in Laddakh due to a cloud burst…….”

Then he told us how his Government has been instrumental in bringing about the this weather change -

“When I addressed you last year on Independence Day, our country was facing a number of difficulties. There was a drought like situation in many parts of the country. I am happy to say that we have acquitted ourselves well in these difficult circumstances.”

Of course it is the combination of the hot airs blown by Kapil Sibal and the cold shoulders given by Sonia Gandhi which has brought about this major climatic change. Effective cucumber-ish cooling by Man Mohan Singh added to formation of tea cup storms created by Tweets from Shashi Thuroor. Though Shashi is no longer in the cabinet, but it his contribution too - which has brought India from droughts to  flash floods due to cloud bursts.

Moving on to the speech - after the weather update came the Thank You note -

“Our country is viewed with respect all over the world. Our views command attention in international fora. All of you have contributed to India’s success. The hard work of our workers, our artisans, our farmers has brought our country to where it stands today.”

What ? No thank you notes to BPO guys or software engineers ? We guys work day and night to ensure that we snatch jobs world over sitting right here in Bangalore, Hyderabad, Chennai  and even in Bareilly and Hampi.  We build the reputation of the #1  “Job-snatcher nation of the world”, ” the chop shop” and all the good things about India in the world. Yet there is no mention of our efforts. We earn the actual cash - and you praise of artisans like  SRK and Amir, who have created the concept of loving mother earth by running and dancing around trees world famous ?  You even mention your useless party workers but not us.  I throw a strong excpetion - I hope you catch it.

The Prime Minster, however had to drop a few lines from this paragraph of this speech -

“We are building a new India in which every citizen would have a stake, an India which would be prosperous and in which all citizens would be able to live a life of honour and dignity in an environment of peace and goodwill. An India in which all problems could be solved through democratic means.”

He also wanted to add the following lines - but as soon as Sonia Gandhi read them, she gave MMS the look a  mathematics teacher gives to a student who thinks that algebra is an African animal.  The lines originally were -

“We are building a new India in which every citizen would have a stake, an India which would be prosperous and in which all citizens would be able to live a life of honour and dignity in an environment of peace and goodwill. An India in which all problems could be solved through democratic means.An India where no one is tormented by his invisible or visible bosses. An Indian where nobody has subordinates with egos of the size of  Tata’s Singur Plans.  An India where coalition partners at the Center do not fight state elections against each other. An India where Butter Chicken is the national bird.”
And now for the worst parts of PM’s speech

“I know that in the last few months high inflation has caused you difficulties. It is the poor who are the worst affected by rising prices, especially when the prices of commodities of every day use like foodgrains, pulses, vegetables increase. It is for this reason that we have endeavored to minimize the burden of increased prices on the poor. Today, I do not want to go into the detailed reasons for high inflation.”

what he really wanted to say was “..because I don’t frigging myself know. Neither do I have any solutions, but you should be happy that at least I know about it. We still have a few years in office and let us relax now. We will bring down the prices when we want the votes. Right now, shut up and listen to me - just like I shut up and listen to Sonia ji.”

And finally, in typical media -istyle lets take some phrases out of context from the speech, and cynically comment on them.

• It is obvious that any person or institution cannot spend more than his income over a long period of time, even if it is the Government.
  • So the ministers and other ruling party members need to find out other ways to finance their one thousand nine hundred and  welve bedroom mansions
• We have been giving special attention to education and health in the last six years.
  • And hence we have de-recognized the degrees of tens of thousands of youngsters
• I consider it a primary responsibility of all our citizens to maintain cleanliness and hygiene around them.
  • So please don’t say nasty things about Sonia-ji,  Rahul Beta-ji and Priyanka Bitiya. Next year I will ask you stop saying bad things to me.
• It is imperative that Centre and States work together to meet the challenge of naxalism.
  • So please elect Congress governments in Naxal-affected states.
• We have a special responsibility towards the States of the North East.
  • Because I got elected from there in Rajya Sabha.
• The use of harsh and unpleasant words in our political discourse has increased in recent days. This is against our traditions of generosity, humility and tolerance.
  • So cleanliness and hygiene is not the sole responsibility of lota carrying citizens - there is some onus on the politicians too.
• Our future is bright. The day when our dreams will come true is not far off.
  • Which happens to be one month after the next elections - when I am reinstated as the Prime Minister (hopefully Rahul beta-ji is still not ready by then)

The lamest Prime Minister speech - which looked like a new bulletin at times , preacher’s preach to foolish citizens at times ended with the customary order to little children to say Jai Hind. The children obliged.
The Prime  Minister’s speech reminded us that he is the ruler of this country , and not the prime servant. He told us that his responsibility was to take care of his cabinet, the whims and fancies of his coalition partners and orders from  Sonia Gandhi. Cleanliness and Hygiene was a responsibility of the public at large,  secularism was a responsibility of the opposition, growth was a responsibility of farmers and workers. The complete text of the speech can found here in English and here in Hindi - do read.