noisy india

After a short altercation with Sharad Pawar  last week, Mayawati decided to form a fact finding finding mission. This mission was formed to understand who was hoarding up all the food in India and to understand the deeper reasons behind the price rise.

The above being the official reason - the real reason was that the BSP supremo’s  party workers who worked at her birthday party complained about the high price of food stuff and the complete balance of the incoming and outgoing funds went berserk this year.  The amount of funds collected in Mayawati’s legendary purse was way too low this year - for no fault of her karyakartas.

Hence, Mayawati decided to form this team to find who was stocking up all the food. The  results were leaked to this website by a very highly placed source in the UP government.  Naming her would be a monumental mistake - so we won’t.

Sugar - Amar Singh

There have been reports that Amar Singh has been hoarding up large quantities of sugar at his Dubai mansion.  He is using that to write his extremely sugarcoated blogs against the family of one Mr Mulayam Singh, Yadav.  (The comma was not a type - but for special effects. The Yadav tag is the only thing the man has got left to show in the UP legislative council elections).  Amar Singh’s act of hoarding and stocking up the sugar would not have been found out - but for his extreme enthusiasm at blogging.  ( As a side note, if you were wondering why noisyindia.com was not coming up with anything funny all this time - it was because of a rival humor blog - http://blog.thakuramarsingh.com/ which has been dishing out levels of humor , which NoisyIndia can never , ever achieve.)

So as we were saying, Amar Singh has done an over use of sugar by addressing people as “netaji”, “betaji”, “bhaisahab” , “bhahi Ram Gopal” etc.   As we all know, a person who is out of work and has been to the hospital recently can neither afford to buy nor afford to have so much sugar. Moreover, he has written 20 blog posts in a single week - all so sugary that the  optical fibers of the internet have become rather gooey. If you have been sticking to the internet for longer all last month -  Amar Singh’s sweet little blog was behind it.

Cucumber - Dr Manmohan Singh

The report also says that the shortage of cucumbers is due to hoarding by none other than Dr Manmohan Singh. Truck loads of cucumbers were smuggled into the numerous houses on the race course road, taking advantage of the fog in New Delhi. The reason ? Isn’t is obvious ? The Prime Minster eats only cucumbers  - morning, noon, evening and night these days. This special diet is not for losing weight, MMS does not throw his weight around much anyway these days - he has outsourced that too HYN Rahul Gandhi. HYN is not Happy New Year - you long-stretched-hangover-from-the-new-year-ash-guys , it is Haamare Yuva Neta. As I was saying, the diet is not to lose weight - but to stay cool.  Let’s analyse some major things happened with MMS last week -

• the junior minsters complaint of no work , just like kids at school complain about their Maths teacher.
• the Pakistani prime minister called at least ten times with names of of ten different Pakistani cricketers saying, “Yaar usko to le lo IPL mein”.  In fact Gilani went a step ahead and said that by doing this India was forcing an unemployment crisis in Pakistan, and hence creating more employment for the terrorism industry.
• MMS has to log into twitter at the chime of every hour - to ensure Shashi Thuroor has not updated his status.
• His brother’s son’s friend’s sister’s daughter , his wife’s brother’s son’s wife’s nephew and worst - Rahul Gandhi’s friend’s son and Sonia Gandhi’s sister’s friend’s daughter’s son’s beer partner called up at least a million times. They were all mad at him for his government making their deemed university a doomed one.

To save precious database space, I will restrain myself from listing everything down. But the reader will a get whiff of hot air blowing in MMS’s life , in spite of the infamous dilli ki sardi. And the knowledgeable reader also knows that the response from MMS to every such thing is a hidden behind the beard quarter of a smile. So how does he manage that ? Its the cucumbers !

We have more stock up reports coming up the next edition of this blog - so keep following…

Posted in Politics | 1 Comment »

news transcript from a reputed news channel -

“…. and these are nothing  but human values which got the cat down from the third floor.

Moving on, we now take you to an important news from Maharashtra.

We are getting this breaking news live and exclusive from the Vidyavihar railway station, where there is a problem on the platform. Our correspondent Aditi Anand Bhosle is at the railway station  covering this live. Aditi, what is the latest ?

Aditi: Indrani, there has been a lot of activity at this station. In fact a lot of the commuters have got so interested in the proceedings, that they got down from the train….

Indrani: Aditi , we have to interrupt you here, we are getting another important news from Kurla railway station. Our correspondent MaheshVidyarthi is at Kurla. Mahesh, what information do you have for us ?

Mahesh: Indrani,  there is an absolute chaos at the Kurla station. All trains coming to this station from the north are absolutely empty. It is five in the evening and the American Tourister advertisement has been shot at this very station at this very time. So you can understand …

Aditi: .. Mahesh, Indrani ….

Indrani: Aditi, you will have to wait. As it is you are a new reporter and Mahesh has already handled reports like ghost of the killer cat and the reincarnation of the Desktop Baba as the Cellphone Baba. Moreover Mahesh gets more salary than you, so we need to get more work out of him. Mahesh , please continue.

Mahesh: Thank you Indrani. As I was saying that this station is known for the crowd , not of the variety that we used to speak of at the Delhi University while discussing South Extension, but of the type that we speak about statues in the memorials of Mayawati’s Uttar Pradesh. At five pm these trains are typically as loaded as french fries with cheese. But today they are as empty as the lunch box of an overweight man whose wife is a doctor. This is a surprise and there is a rumor of something happening at the Vidyavihar station. Indrani.

Indrani: Mahesh, we are getting similar reports from the Vikhroli station. We have Akrosh at Vikhroli, Akrosh, what is the latest at Vikhroli ?

Aditi: But Indrani ….

Indrani: Aditi, this is the last time I am going to tolerate this. Only few people like Barkha and Rajdeep are allowed to interrupt me. I have been covering news from the days when you started covering up your mistakes at home. One more time, and you would be demoted and sent to cover updates on NoisyIndia.com. Akrosh, please go on.

Akrosh: It is a similar story at Vikhroli Indrani. All north bound trains are empty like the movie halls which ran Drona. There is something which is causing a problem at earlier stations. Whatever the reason is we know that the Mumbaikar would rise above everything else and show the world what he or she is made of. A Mumbaikar would send a message to all those who want to disrupt the harmony that he puts his duty, his job of running this city on the topmost priority and would not be broken. A Mumbaikar …

Indrani: Akrosh, first we do not even know what has happened. Second, please do not waste these lines right now.  When everything gets sorted out, we would need to repeat them again and again and they need to stay fresh. And lastly, do not use all the “strength-of-a-Mumbaikar” lines from the chapter 10 of “One liners for TV Reporters In India”. Leave something for us. We are your seniors.  For those viewers who have just joined us - Mumbai is under a threat, again. There is abnormal activity in suburban trains and we are trying to get more details for you . Meanwhile, you can have a look at this graphic. The big blinking red dots are where reports of disturbances are coming from. Right at the center of things is the Vidyavihar station, where our correspondent Aditi is covering things live and exclusive. Aditi, what are you seeing there ?

Aditi: Thank you Indrani. As I was saying there is a buzz of activity on this station. There have been some spats between two groups and all the commuters have gathered around them to see what is happening.  In fact people are increasing by the minute because everyone is getting down from their trains to see what happened. We are not able to reach the spot as everybody is trying to show their face to the camera and wave at us. But we have Bansi Chaiwalla who has just come out of the crowd and knows what is going on - Bansi, “Aapne Kya dekha ? (what did you see)”

Bansi : “Hum aapko nahee bata sakte, aap Marathi mein poocho” (I can not tell you, you have to ask me in Marathi)

(To save precious database space, the rest of the article has been translated into English directly, and does not use two languages. Everything in italics was originally spoken in Marathi)

Aditi: So Bansi, what did you see ?

Bansi: Fourteen Fifteen people came down from those stairs and started beating up a few boys. After that I started serving tea for everybody. After some time I had to shift to using plastic glasses as the crowd was increasing. Everyone wanted to have tea while watching those 15-16 people bash up those boys.

Aditi : What were they saying ?

Bansi: Mostly they were saying ,”Give me a cup of tea”. Some of them were also saying “with extra milk”. …

Aditi: No No, the 15-16 men, what were they saying ?

Bansi: Oh them ? They were shouting Jai Maharashtra and saying that these boys had disgraced Mahrashtra and Marathis.

Aditi: (Turning towards the camera) Indrani, it seems that this is another onslaught by the MNS for promotion of Marathi in Maharashtra. Let me try to get closer to the action, and I will report from there, back to you Indrani.

Indrani: It turns out that there is no problem with the trains -and it was only curious commuters. Mahesh, Akrosh you do not need to worry. And moreover you should have talked to Aditi before getting all worked up.

Akrosh: But Aditi never gives her phone number to me ….

Indrani: Akrosh, this is not the time to get personal. We have just received a message from Aditi that she has reached the spot of action. Aditi…

Aditi: Indrani, I have Bhonsle Bhau with us, who is an active MNS worker and in charge of this action against these boys. Bhonsle Bhau, why are you doing this ?

BB: Madam, this children have disgraced our culture. These are Marathi Manus but they have lost all their shame and sanskars because of spending their time with outsiders. These outsiders are not ready to change into Marathis, but they change our Marathi boys. Did Shivaji give up his life for these boys ? These boys are a  blot to out society and they should be punished. And every other Marathi boy should know what is the right thing to do after this incident.

Aditi: But Bhosle Bhau, what have they done ?

BB: Madam, these are school children studying in sixth standard. Our group was looking for any one who had their shop name written in Hindi or English, when suddenly one of my boys Bholu got an urgent call of nature. You know that in Mumbai it is not hygienic to pee in public and it could cause all sort of infections, so he went to the nearest school to relieve himself. After a while  he came back looking aghast and surprised. He took us all to the boys toilet. Madam, that toilet was full of dirty things written on the wall. We could not tolerate that , and asked the boys who did this. All of them told us that it was these 4 boys who had written all that. So we found them and bashed them.

Aditi: But you have beaten them so badly, they have to be taken to the hospital immediately.

BB: Yes Madam, we will take them. After all they are our Marathi brothers. But before that we will make them repent. We will take them to the school toilet and make them correct their mistakes.

Aditi: You mean to say you will take them to school and ask them to clean the toilet wall ?

BB: No Madam. Just correct their mistake. They have written all the dirty things in Hindi. They should write them in Marathi. We will ask them to erase everything they have written in Hindi and rewrite it in Marathi. After all, your future is in your own hands ….

---

Disclaimer:  The author of this blog does not want to beaten up and does not want his blog posts printed out and burnt. But then, what the heck …

Tags: Barkha Dutt, Hindi, Jai Maharashtra, Maharashtra, Marathi, mayawati, MNS, News, Rajeep Sardesai
Posted in Politics | 4 Comments »